Staying Put

"We all face those times When our confidence fades And the path of our life

seems unclear."

I saw this quote yesterday.

It about sums up how I am feeling. I am not sure I have the strength to fight this one. Since publicly bring to the surface what has been common life for me for quite some time. All the different responses, reactions, discussions, and words sent my way.... I am more lost than ever. I really just feel like standing still. Can I do that? I know in most scenario's standing still and doing nothing doesn't work out. weight- eventually you end up ten pounds heavier and completely flabbergasted how it ever got there? testimony- do nothing and you will get exactly what you put in. Dive in, and the rewards are heaven sent. garden- leave this one alone and you wonder if your neighbor came in and sabotaged it because there was no way you left that many weeds. raising kids- not a lot of standing still happening. But sometimes you take a" break" from certain areas and before you know it you can't believe they just performed the alphabet in burps, hasn't changed their socks in 3 days, and their flimsy attempt at teeth brushing will lead them to a smile that involves 14 quartet gold caps across the front and a backwards hat...then I realize some reteaching is in order. eyebrow plucking- do nothing on this one and one morning you look in the mirror and then instantly turn to yell at your husband for not telling you the state of eyebrows before going out in public, which are taking on a similar look to your garden. your failing health- can I break the rule and just do nothing? I think I am going to try and see what happens. I am not up for the fight or challenge... I am just too tired, twitchy, hurting, dizzy and can't see too well. so it really isn't a fair fight.

Recipe for Tears

Everyone has something that makes them cry.

Mine is my body....
I think I got a lemon.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to take a fun filled ride in the
ambulance to the hospital with a severe dizzy attack that landed me on my back with the world going around like a tilt a whirl on speed...
out of the blue
while walking on the track with some friends.


Constant marry go round dizziness
is common daily practice for me these days.

a few others too....

like...

electric buzzing in my legs
like I am standing on a vibrating machine, along with the occasional body tremors popping up under my skin feeling like little ants doing the macarana. They especially like to come out and play when I am typing or trying to put on eyeliner, surprising you all of a sudden by moving my finger round about like I am some miniature mechanical bull ride for them.

throw in a...

a little face numbness every once in awhile. Feeling constantly like your face is coming out from a trip to the dentist but clear up by my eye.

then add a pinch of

memory loss, loss of focus, brain fog
giving you a funny tunnel vision feeling.
So if I forgot your birthday let say this is why.

heaps of

body fatigue and muscle weakness, you know the kind that you are left with after you completed a marathon or walked through the park with those 5o pound weights strapped on your legs...except without the benefits of saying you completed a marathon and tone abs. Dang.

don't forget the...

Muscle cramps.
Where would I be without those dang muscle cramps in my thighs?
The ones that leave consistent bruises the size of golf balls on my thighs from trying to pound them out.
Ever have one?
Oh they are just great fun... Just take a seat on the couch, then lift your leg out straight and I will check in with your in about 5 hours.
Got a cramp?
Ya, me too.

Finally top it all off with...

the lovely bathroom surprise.

What is it, you say?
As soon as you sit back down after coming from the bathroom you are greeted with
a hot poker burning in my lady parts just to feel extra peachy.
Surprise!
And you don't even know if it will last 2 minutes or 2 hours.
Surprise!

Mix it all together...

Then what are you left with?

A recipe for big fat tears.

I think it is okay to cry

and say "this really sucks!"

once in a while.

Why?

Because it is then Heavenly Father is waiting for you with open arms to say.

I know and I am with you.

I think we all have our own recipe for tears.

Just different ingredients.

And I think
Heavenly Father is waiting for us to come to Him
with what we have. Waiting to cry to Him.

Some of these things have been happening
for awhile.
some came and went
and are back again with gusto
and others are new and very scary.

I had an MRI done a month ago...

they found spots.

high signal lesions was the techno term.

But they tell you...

it may be from migraines...

You know...the ONE ingredient I DON'T get.

Or they say it may be the big

MS

or they say...

it might not.

They have
poked, prodded, tested, & medicated

for a couple months,
then left me finally...

with less blood in my veins then when I started...
having read ALL the People magazines in the waiting room wondering what is going to become of Lindsay Lohan?
and ten pounds heavier thanks to these stupid little pills.

This has been a fantastic recipe.

finally my doc says....

she don't have all the pieces yet...call me with any new symptoms
(more ingredients!! My recipe is chalk full already.)





and...
you have my complete cooperation to go to the BIG city for more...
poking, prodding, testing, and medication...

can't wait.

Love it when they can finally admit the town is fabulous for
family values
great parks
low crime
strong community.

But if you have something more going on than a fish hook stuck in your toe.
(Doc Hollywood movie)

you best be moving on.

I decided that I shouldn't be punished for their lack of knowledge

So...pursue I will.

but...tomorrow.

For today...

I will just cry.